I am not sure where to take this.

I'm pretty lost right now. I am torn between who I was, who I am and who I am scared I will always/never be.

I thought I could push my past aside and move through my insecurities and "character-building" experiences to become the person I know I can be; the trainer/motivator/counsellor helping people build confidence and experience the buzz that doing something positive for your wellbeing

Fuck it. It's all bollocks. Even when I reach the point of being so frustrated I turn to this as an outlet, I am still spouting the same bullshit I tell others day in, day out. Well, no more. You don't know me. Neither do I! But the point is, I can say anything here. Maybe I should; clearly my previous methods of dealing have not worked thus far.

So this is it. My blog is taking a creative diversion. I'm sure one day I will get back to writing about my career aspirations and fitness tips etc, but right now I need to get my head straight. In order for me to do this, I think I need to write about the incident that turned my life on its arse 6 years and 7 months ago.

I was raped.

Now, I get this is not what you clicked here to read and that's fine; I understand. This is a completely selfish move on my part. I am also going to be a massive pain in the arse and leave things here for now. Tonight I am enjoying one last alcoholic beverage before I give up drinking again for a while (alcohol + depression, anxiety, eating disorder and PTSD + a full time job, 3 year old and partner = unhealthy mix). I will address the matter further, but just for now I am going to enjoy the relief that comes with knowing I am finally going to tell my story with 100% honesty. No glossing over, no softening the blows to spare the feeling of others.

I hope you will join me x

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2 thoughts on “I am not sure where to take this.

  1. hey there – I’m following and hope you’ll continue to get this out. As a former PT (who got into it late in life), I can tell you that very few of your clients will be like you. I wanted a whole bunch of mini-me’s to train that wanted to get strong and feel powerful and I was disappointed. I wanted to share my knowledge and experience – they just wanted to lose X pounds and inches and came from a place of self-loathing I couldn’t tolerate. It was depressing as hell. Check out Erin Brown – she is really insightful on many of the issues you bring up here. Love yourself – take time to heal.

    Like

    1. Thank you; I am certainly going to try! Yup, I think I am beginning to realise that the career path I have chosen, although it is something I love dearly, is not always compatible with mental health! Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll definitely take a look 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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