I am not sure where to take this.

I'm pretty lost right now. I am torn between who I was, who I am and who I am scared I will always/never be.

I thought I could push my past aside and move through my insecurities and "character-building" experiences to become the person I know I can be; the trainer/motivator/counsellor helping people build confidence and experience the buzz that doing something positive for your wellbeing

Fuck it. It's all bollocks. Even when I reach the point of being so frustrated I turn to this as an outlet, I am still spouting the same bullshit I tell others day in, day out. Well, no more. You don't know me. Neither do I! But the point is, I can say anything here. Maybe I should; clearly my previous methods of dealing have not worked thus far.

So this is it. My blog is taking a creative diversion. I'm sure one day I will get back to writing about my career aspirations and fitness tips etc, but right now I need to get my head straight. In order for me to do this, I think I need to write about the incident that turned my life on its arse 6 years and 7 months ago.

I was raped.

Now, I get this is not what you clicked here to read and that's fine; I understand. This is a completely selfish move on my part. I am also going to be a massive pain in the arse and leave things here for now. Tonight I am enjoying one last alcoholic beverage before I give up drinking again for a while (alcohol + depression, anxiety, eating disorder and PTSD + a full time job, 3 year old and partner = unhealthy mix). I will address the matter further, but just for now I am going to enjoy the relief that comes with knowing I am finally going to tell my story with 100% honesty. No glossing over, no softening the blows to spare the feeling of others.

I hope you will join me x

It’s time to come clean.

I suck at being healthy.

I have a wardrobe full of gym gear most girls would kill for. I own enough kitchen gadgets to run a clean eating cafe out of my own front room. My garage is not to house my other half’s car; oh no. It is a gym, complete with a concept 2 rowing machine and a kick-ass treadmill.

But do you know what? today I had a shit day at work. I have a half marathon on Sunday and tonight I ditched my hill sprints for a bottle of Baileys and a bag of salt and pepper cashews.

I do not feel better for this. I feel full of guilt and have already resolved to get up at 6am to run, but if I think logically I know damn well I will have a mild hangover and a belly full of sugared cream (oh dear lord what have I done?!!).

I have not blogged on a regular basis for one reason and one reason only; I feel like a huge fraud. I am a qualified PT and I love fitness; nothing beats the rush of lifting more weight, or beating a previous time. I love cooking healthy food and I care about what I put into my body. I am a mum now and I need to be around as long as I can to cause my son no end of grief. The problem is, I only care half the time. The other half, life just smacks me back down again. I have struggled against self-harming as a teenager, depression and anxiety, PTSD after rape and an eating disorder. The fact that I am as functional as I am is a huge achievement, but I will never see it that way.

This post is rather self-indulgent, but for the first time I am not going to apologise. I am not going to typeit all out only to delete it again, and not write anything at all for another month.

Yeah, life sucks sometimes. But sod it. I didn’t decide to train as a personal trainer to work with meatheads; I trained to work with people who are where I was 8 years ago. I was obese, completely clueless and bloody miserable. So what the hell am I so afraid of? Why am I so scared of others judging me? Why is anyone?! (If anyone actually has the answer to this, don/t share it with me. Make your millions from it, as you truly deserve to do).

So from now on I promise this; no more bullshit. I will post pics of my gluten free, no fat, no sugar post-gym breakfast on insta, but I will also post photos of the dirty chinese and JD and coke that happens after a crappy day at work and my son projectile vomiting all over the car.

My new goal is to inspire AND console. No-one is perfect. I’ll bet less than 1% of people that actually try, with UNWAVERING WILLPOWER, will ever look that good in a bikini.

Life is too short.

Here’s to honesty!