It’s time to come clean.

I suck at being healthy.

I have a wardrobe full of gym gear most girls would kill for. I own enough kitchen gadgets to run a clean eating cafe out of my own front room. My garage is not to house my other half’s car; oh no. It is a gym, complete with a concept 2 rowing machine and a kick-ass treadmill.

But do you know what? today I had a shit day at work. I have a half marathon on Sunday and tonight I ditched my hill sprints for a bottle of Baileys and a bag of salt and pepper cashews.

I do not feel better for this. I feel full of guilt and have already resolved to get up at 6am to run, but if I think logically I know damn well I will have a mild hangover and a belly full of sugared cream (oh dear lord what have I done?!!).

I have not blogged on a regular basis for one reason and one reason only; I feel like a huge fraud. I am a qualified PT and I love fitness; nothing beats the rush of lifting more weight, or beating a previous time. I love cooking healthy food and I care about what I put into my body. I am a mum now and I need to be around as long as I can to cause my son no end of grief. The problem is, I only care half the time. The other half, life just smacks me back down again. I have struggled against self-harming as a teenager, depression and anxiety, PTSD after rape and an eating disorder. The fact that I am as functional as I am is a huge achievement, but I will never see it that way.

This post is rather self-indulgent, but for the first time I am not going to apologise. I am not going to typeit all out only to delete it again, and not write anything at all for another month.

Yeah, life sucks sometimes. But sod it. I didn’t decide to train as a personal trainer to work with meatheads; I trained to work with people who are where I was 8 years ago. I was obese, completely clueless and bloody miserable. So what the hell am I so afraid of? Why am I so scared of others judging me? Why is anyone?! (If anyone actually has the answer to this, don/t share it with me. Make your millions from it, as you truly deserve to do).

So from now on I promise this; no more bullshit. I will post pics of my gluten free, no fat, no sugar post-gym breakfast on insta, but I will also post photos of the dirty chinese and JD and coke that happens after a crappy day at work and my son projectile vomiting all over the car.

My new goal is to inspire AND console. No-one is perfect. I’ll bet less than 1% of people that actually try, with UNWAVERING WILLPOWER, will ever look that good in a bikini.

Life is too short.

Here’s to honesty!